State of Grace

I am what you might call an independent person. I am not at all comfortable asking for or accepting help from others. In fact, I think it's fair to say that this is one of my defining characteristics. For the most part, I like this about myself, but as is so often true, what is a strength is also a weakness. I have a tendency to isolate myself, especially when I'm feeling weak. I'm pretty self-aware of this aspect of my personality, both its bright side and its dark side; but I have never before had the opportunity to confront it in quite the same way as I have over the past few weeks.

The most excruciating, and rewarding, and humbling aspect of this most recent flare is how dependent I was, and how much help I've needed, and gotten. I lost the ability to drive and to use my hands for any fine motor skills. Next time you have a day to kill, try spending it unable to drive, unable to walk any real distance safely by yourself, and unable to use your hands as anything other than clubs. You'll find, as I did, that life gets boring quickly.

By Wednesday, I was ready to admit to myself that my situation was untenable. By Friday, I was ready to ask for help. Not quite brave enough to ask anyone specifically, I put out a general call on Facebook. Within minutes, multiple people had contacted me to offer whatever help I needed. I got rides to the doctor, food brought to me, rides to karate, errands run, cat food bought and made, litter boxes changed, recycling taken out -- the list goes on (and is still growing).

Intellectually, I know friendship is not a quid pro quo arrangement, but my usual m.o. when someone does me a favor is to look for an opportunity to pay them back as soon as possible. This experience precludes that -- there are too many people, and their generosity is too abundant, for me to be able to even the score. It feels like a state of grace -- of being flooded with support and love to such an extent that there is no choice but to give oneself up to it, to revel in it and marvel at it and accept it. To do anything less would be to cheapen the experience. It's hard, in a way that's not easy to express. There really is an aspect of letting go and accepting and trusting that does not come easily to me. It's an incredibly valuable lesson to learn, and it's not one I could have learned any other way.

I am forever grateful to have such a strong and caring support system. I stand humbled before the awesomeness of my friends.