One of the hallmarks of MS is the fatigue. You hear a lot that that's the most debilitating symptom. I've definitely experienced my share of fatigue - and, as with so many neurological symptoms, I'm learning that there are different kinds, there are experiences that we don't really have words for. There's the "I just want to sleep for 18 hours" kind of fatigue, and the "I'm not tired, but it takes a whole lot of energy to move" kind of fatigue.
But, for me at least, what MS taketh away it also giveth. I've had periods when I have what feels like really abundant energy. I seem to be entering one now. I had insomnia last night, and didn't get to bed until well after midnight - but I've felt really good all day, and still do. Everything is relative, of course, and it's hard to say if what feels like abundant energy now is actually what I would have considered normal 2 years ago. But I'm not complaining.
Another hallmark of MS is unpredictability - I don't know how long any given period of energy or fatigue will last. I'm just hoping I'm in a period of greater energy come October 20th, which is the date of my Seido black belt test.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
To Jena and Back
This post will have very little to do with either MS or the martial arts. I'm putting it here because I kind of doubt I'm going to maintain one blog and I'm certainly not going to maintain two. So there you go.
I went to Jena yesterday (I actually left Wednesday evening), to support the so-called "Jena 6." Google it if you don't know the whole story, I've told it enough times now I don't feel like typing it at the moment.
The drive there was uneventful, but it took longer than I expected - I underestimated my need for sleep. I pulled over at the Louisiana State Line around midnight to sleep for a few hours, meaning to get up at 4:30, but decided at 4:30 that 6 was much more reasonable. So I basically spent the night there. By the way, a travel tip for the ultra-cheap traveler - if you want to sleep at rest stops, the state line ones tend to be nicest. Except avoid Tennessee. Like all things Tennessee, it's inhospitable. Anyway, I left the La. State Line around 6AM, and made it to Jena by around 10. This was a lot later than I'd planned - I had originally hoped to get there for 7 when everything started, then would have been ok with 8ish...but 10 it was. Part of the issue, I realized belatedly, was that I was mixing up Alexandria and Lafayette in my mind. Lafayette's only about an hour from Lake Charles, I think Alex is farther. Well, obviously. And Jena's actually about 45 minutes from Alexandria. So the whole thing took longer than I'd thought.
Note for the visitor to Louisiana who wants to be in the know - you abbreviate Alexandria to "Alex" in writing, but you pronounce that "Alec." I don't know why, but that's how everyone does it.
Anyway, got there at 10, boo-hoo, but there was still plenty going on. I had my google maps directions to the park where the rally was allegedly going down, but never used them - as soon as I got into Jena I joined a long line of cars and just followed the crowd from there on out. The crowd, apparently, was at the courthouse. Maybe there were at the park too, I don't know. Really, people were everywhere. Little bitty Jena could not hope to contain the number of people in any well-defined area. I think Jena's population is around 3 thousand - and I heard someone say there were 70,000 protestors there. I really have no idea about the veracity of that, just that it was wall-t0-wall people. Still, if that's even close to right, if it's only 10% right, that's still much larger than the population of the town.
Once there, mainly I just moved through the crowd. I went to the courthouse yard - there were people giving speeches, but I couldn't make out the words. So I walked around and looked around. I ended up spending most of my time watching a guy from Grambling raise money for Mychal Bell's bail. It was very cool - he was clearly not associated with any official organization - he was just a guy, with some friends, who had rented an RV and a PA system, and raised $10K in about an hour to 2 hours. I don't know if he worked for Grambling or what - he wasn't a student, and I don't get the impression that he was faculty either. He wasn't really talking about himself or who he was with or anything, he was much more interested in getting people to give. I don't actually know if he's still associated with Grambling at all, actually. Maybe he just had a shirt from there. I donated some money. My cynical nature wondered briefly if it was going to go where it was supposed to, but everything I read from this guy was that he was, if not legit in the "registered 501c3" way, at least heartfelt and not scamming anyone. Of course, now I read today that Mychal has had bail denied (why? his charges have been vacated! ), so this guy's very practical approach to freeing Mychal Bell apparently has not worked.
When I first arrived in Jena, as I walked up to the main action, I found myself justifying my presence to myself. Why was I here? Why was it so important to me? I think I questioned myself a little once I got there because I realized that almost everyone there was black. And that surprised me, frankly. Not that there was a strong black presence, but that people of other races didn't show up in very large numbers. I'd be surprised if I saw 20 non-black people there. Of course, the crowds were huge, and there were thousands of people I didn't see, but still, the percentage was tiny. And that, I think, says something really unfortunate about us as people. Because it says, "as long as its not our people, we don't mind injustice." Understand here that I'm making generalizations, not about any kind of people (be it race or class or region or what have you), but about ALL people - the human condition. And yes, it is a generalization, which means it's wrong in a lot of specific cases. But generally speaking, we're self-interested. And this is really no surprise, but what saddens me is that we've not yet broadened our definition of self sufficiently to let it encompass all humans. I'm no different here - yes, I protested while white, but it was because my definition of self includes "folks from Louisiana". This will no doubt surprise the very folks from Louisiana that I am in fact related to, but it's true. I felt it during Katrina and Rita, and I felt it when I heard about the Jena 6. When my state is in trouble, either because its weather or its government acts inappropriately, I feel compelled to act. It surprises me, but it's a strong compulsion. So I follow it.
Two signs that struck me - one was held up by a (white) woman I presumed to be a citizen of Jena, as I walked up to the main action. It said, "We are not racist." And I thought to myself, "Well, good for you. Why don't you join us, then? Because what has happened to these kids is plainly racist." And, you know, I bet a lot (maybe even most) of the folks in Jena are not racist, or at least are working very hard not to be. And some of them are. And above and beyond this, the way these kids have been treated is plainly institutional racism, which seems to be able to exist even when, what - personal racism? I don't know what you'd call it - but anyway, it's out of vogue now (if not out of existence), but institutional racism lives on.
The second sign I saw that I loved was carried by a little girl, probably around 8 years old, and it said "God, my mom, and my principal are watching you!" Best. Sign. Ever.
It's love bug season in central Louisiana right now. I don't know if these critters exist elsewhere, so I'll describe them. They're flying insects, mostly black, with a little spot of red on them (probably the abdomen). They're harmless, they don't bite or sting or anything like that. They're called lovebugs a) because of that spot of red, and b) when they mate, they become physically connected - which I suppose is normal and all, but then they stay connected, and fly around like that, in pairs. At certain times of the year they are *everywhere* in Louisiana, which means a lot of them meet their untimely demises upon windshields, and now my windshield is dirty. It occurred to me that I could probably find a tortured metaphor with lovebugs and the Jena 6 but I think I'm going to refrain.
I got pulled over headed out of Jena. The officer told me I had turned left on a red light - I was certain that the light was still green (and in fact that I had an arrow), but I've been wrong before, and in any case was not going to argue. I got my license and proof of insurance out and showed it to him, getting out of the car in the process, thereby displaying my "Free the Jena 6" shirt. I don't know if that had anything to do with my getting off with a warning, but I did and I'm glad. Besides, that made it more convienent to present my license and proof of insurance to the second officer who pulled me over, this time for speeding. I was going 56 in a 45mph zone, which also happens to be a construction zone. So that's not going to be cheap (no warning for me this time). But because it's Louisiana, I have until November to deal with it. So I'm not happy, but I'm not likely to end up with a bench warrant for my arrest again. (long story, uninteresting too).
I don't know if it was bad luck or if I was driving especially poorly or if there were just lots and lots of cops out because of the rally. I kind of suspect the latter. Non-cynically, it just makes sense to have more cops on the road when the road is expected to be so much busier than it ever really is ever. Cynically, what an opportunity to raise some money on the backs of the out-of-towners!
So I drove especially carefully the rest of the way home. I pulled over for a couple of hours of sleep at the Coushatta casino near Kinder, then again right after hitting Columbus and getting on 71 from I-10, and got home - oh, I don't know. Midnight? 1AM? I initially expected to take today off, but woke up around 10 and decided to come into work, where I've even been moderately productive.
And that's my story.
I went to Jena yesterday (I actually left Wednesday evening), to support the so-called "Jena 6." Google it if you don't know the whole story, I've told it enough times now I don't feel like typing it at the moment.
The drive there was uneventful, but it took longer than I expected - I underestimated my need for sleep. I pulled over at the Louisiana State Line around midnight to sleep for a few hours, meaning to get up at 4:30, but decided at 4:30 that 6 was much more reasonable. So I basically spent the night there. By the way, a travel tip for the ultra-cheap traveler - if you want to sleep at rest stops, the state line ones tend to be nicest. Except avoid Tennessee. Like all things Tennessee, it's inhospitable. Anyway, I left the La. State Line around 6AM, and made it to Jena by around 10. This was a lot later than I'd planned - I had originally hoped to get there for 7 when everything started, then would have been ok with 8ish...but 10 it was. Part of the issue, I realized belatedly, was that I was mixing up Alexandria and Lafayette in my mind. Lafayette's only about an hour from Lake Charles, I think Alex is farther. Well, obviously. And Jena's actually about 45 minutes from Alexandria. So the whole thing took longer than I'd thought.
Note for the visitor to Louisiana who wants to be in the know - you abbreviate Alexandria to "Alex" in writing, but you pronounce that "Alec." I don't know why, but that's how everyone does it.
Anyway, got there at 10, boo-hoo, but there was still plenty going on. I had my google maps directions to the park where the rally was allegedly going down, but never used them - as soon as I got into Jena I joined a long line of cars and just followed the crowd from there on out. The crowd, apparently, was at the courthouse. Maybe there were at the park too, I don't know. Really, people were everywhere. Little bitty Jena could not hope to contain the number of people in any well-defined area. I think Jena's population is around 3 thousand - and I heard someone say there were 70,000 protestors there. I really have no idea about the veracity of that, just that it was wall-t0-wall people. Still, if that's even close to right, if it's only 10% right, that's still much larger than the population of the town.
Once there, mainly I just moved through the crowd. I went to the courthouse yard - there were people giving speeches, but I couldn't make out the words. So I walked around and looked around. I ended up spending most of my time watching a guy from Grambling raise money for Mychal Bell's bail. It was very cool - he was clearly not associated with any official organization - he was just a guy, with some friends, who had rented an RV and a PA system, and raised $10K in about an hour to 2 hours. I don't know if he worked for Grambling or what - he wasn't a student, and I don't get the impression that he was faculty either. He wasn't really talking about himself or who he was with or anything, he was much more interested in getting people to give. I don't actually know if he's still associated with Grambling at all, actually. Maybe he just had a shirt from there. I donated some money. My cynical nature wondered briefly if it was going to go where it was supposed to, but everything I read from this guy was that he was, if not legit in the "registered 501c3" way, at least heartfelt and not scamming anyone. Of course, now I read today that Mychal has had bail denied (why? his charges have been vacated! ), so this guy's very practical approach to freeing Mychal Bell apparently has not worked.
When I first arrived in Jena, as I walked up to the main action, I found myself justifying my presence to myself. Why was I here? Why was it so important to me? I think I questioned myself a little once I got there because I realized that almost everyone there was black. And that surprised me, frankly. Not that there was a strong black presence, but that people of other races didn't show up in very large numbers. I'd be surprised if I saw 20 non-black people there. Of course, the crowds were huge, and there were thousands of people I didn't see, but still, the percentage was tiny. And that, I think, says something really unfortunate about us as people. Because it says, "as long as its not our people, we don't mind injustice." Understand here that I'm making generalizations, not about any kind of people (be it race or class or region or what have you), but about ALL people - the human condition. And yes, it is a generalization, which means it's wrong in a lot of specific cases. But generally speaking, we're self-interested. And this is really no surprise, but what saddens me is that we've not yet broadened our definition of self sufficiently to let it encompass all humans. I'm no different here - yes, I protested while white, but it was because my definition of self includes "folks from Louisiana". This will no doubt surprise the very folks from Louisiana that I am in fact related to, but it's true. I felt it during Katrina and Rita, and I felt it when I heard about the Jena 6. When my state is in trouble, either because its weather or its government acts inappropriately, I feel compelled to act. It surprises me, but it's a strong compulsion. So I follow it.
Two signs that struck me - one was held up by a (white) woman I presumed to be a citizen of Jena, as I walked up to the main action. It said, "We are not racist." And I thought to myself, "Well, good for you. Why don't you join us, then? Because what has happened to these kids is plainly racist." And, you know, I bet a lot (maybe even most) of the folks in Jena are not racist, or at least are working very hard not to be. And some of them are. And above and beyond this, the way these kids have been treated is plainly institutional racism, which seems to be able to exist even when, what - personal racism? I don't know what you'd call it - but anyway, it's out of vogue now (if not out of existence), but institutional racism lives on.
The second sign I saw that I loved was carried by a little girl, probably around 8 years old, and it said "God, my mom, and my principal are watching you!" Best. Sign. Ever.
It's love bug season in central Louisiana right now. I don't know if these critters exist elsewhere, so I'll describe them. They're flying insects, mostly black, with a little spot of red on them (probably the abdomen). They're harmless, they don't bite or sting or anything like that. They're called lovebugs a) because of that spot of red, and b) when they mate, they become physically connected - which I suppose is normal and all, but then they stay connected, and fly around like that, in pairs. At certain times of the year they are *everywhere* in Louisiana, which means a lot of them meet their untimely demises upon windshields, and now my windshield is dirty. It occurred to me that I could probably find a tortured metaphor with lovebugs and the Jena 6 but I think I'm going to refrain.
I got pulled over headed out of Jena. The officer told me I had turned left on a red light - I was certain that the light was still green (and in fact that I had an arrow), but I've been wrong before, and in any case was not going to argue. I got my license and proof of insurance out and showed it to him, getting out of the car in the process, thereby displaying my "Free the Jena 6" shirt. I don't know if that had anything to do with my getting off with a warning, but I did and I'm glad. Besides, that made it more convienent to present my license and proof of insurance to the second officer who pulled me over, this time for speeding. I was going 56 in a 45mph zone, which also happens to be a construction zone. So that's not going to be cheap (no warning for me this time). But because it's Louisiana, I have until November to deal with it. So I'm not happy, but I'm not likely to end up with a bench warrant for my arrest again. (long story, uninteresting too).
I don't know if it was bad luck or if I was driving especially poorly or if there were just lots and lots of cops out because of the rally. I kind of suspect the latter. Non-cynically, it just makes sense to have more cops on the road when the road is expected to be so much busier than it ever really is ever. Cynically, what an opportunity to raise some money on the backs of the out-of-towners!
So I drove especially carefully the rest of the way home. I pulled over for a couple of hours of sleep at the Coushatta casino near Kinder, then again right after hitting Columbus and getting on 71 from I-10, and got home - oh, I don't know. Midnight? 1AM? I initially expected to take today off, but woke up around 10 and decided to come into work, where I've even been moderately productive.
And that's my story.
Friday, September 14, 2007
My 32 Year Old Body as a 16 Year Old
I am both seriously annoyed and very grateful that my current MS symptoms (and really, all of them so far) feel very dramatic, yet look either totally invisible or nearly so. For example, at this moment in time my feet are numb, my legs are tingling, and if I look down, my L'hermitte's (read: more tingling) extends through my legs and left arm. I also have numbness in my lower torso, which I don't actually feel at the moment but which becomes apparent anytime I poke myself (which is often, in that scab-picking way). External signs: none. Even when walking or otherwise moving about vigorously, nobody can really tell. After about 200 kicks, my form deteriorates and at some point I go for a wall to add some balance so I can maintain some modicum of technique - but whose kicks *don't* deteriorate somewhat around the 200 mark?
This is gratifying for obvious reasons - I really do prefer to move about under my own power and remain upright as much as possible. Ok, that last part's a lie. What is true is that I prefer to remain upright when I mean to be upright - which may not be all that often, really, but that's sort of beside the point.
What's annoying, though, is that I feel like my body is going through this teen angst period where it's all "NOBODY KNOWS MY PAIN" and writing bad poetry and doodling mildly disturbing things in its notebook, but not actually letting on that there's anything wrong. I feel like I should explain for it, sometimes - "my body is really quite messed up only nobody can tell, and you should care - dunno why, but you just should."
But then I feel like a dork, so I refrain.
This is gratifying for obvious reasons - I really do prefer to move about under my own power and remain upright as much as possible. Ok, that last part's a lie. What is true is that I prefer to remain upright when I mean to be upright - which may not be all that often, really, but that's sort of beside the point.
What's annoying, though, is that I feel like my body is going through this teen angst period where it's all "NOBODY KNOWS MY PAIN" and writing bad poetry and doodling mildly disturbing things in its notebook, but not actually letting on that there's anything wrong. I feel like I should explain for it, sometimes - "my body is really quite messed up only nobody can tell, and you should care - dunno why, but you just should."
But then I feel like a dork, so I refrain.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Hello, World!
The uncomfortable thing about setting up a blog using blogger is that you're forced the confront the trail of dusty, unused blogs sitting idle on your internet shelf. I had grand visions of setting up a WordPress installation on my personal site (which, speaking of sitting idle on the internet shelf...), but I decided to go for absurdly easy set-up, indead of just the regular kind of ease.
So. Anyway. The reason I think I might actually stick with this blog, against all prior evidence, is that I actually have a topic! Earlier this year, I got diagnosed with MS. I'm also an avid martial artist, and a less-avid social dancer. Most of what I hear about folks with MS falls into one of two camps:
1) Woe is me, I'm stuck in a wheelchair, life is bad.
2) Wee! I don't even know I have it!
I belong to neither of those camps. I haven't been symptom-free yet, since I started having symptoms about two years ago. At the same time, I'm not debilitated. I'm annoyed, sure. But that's really the worst of it (knock wood, etc). So I thought I might have something unique to add.
Plus, MS is funny. No, really. Example 1: you know how it's a ball of laughs to stick tape on the bottom of a cat's feet and watch them freak out? It works with humans, too. And you don't even need tape, in my case. I don't know how many times today i've looked at the bottom of my feet, searching in vain for what I'd stepped on that was sticking to the bottom of my feet.
Nothing there. I do take it more calmly than most cats, though.
Ok, enough for now. I don't want to overdo it on my first time out...
So. Anyway. The reason I think I might actually stick with this blog, against all prior evidence, is that I actually have a topic! Earlier this year, I got diagnosed with MS. I'm also an avid martial artist, and a less-avid social dancer. Most of what I hear about folks with MS falls into one of two camps:
1) Woe is me, I'm stuck in a wheelchair, life is bad.
2) Wee! I don't even know I have it!
I belong to neither of those camps. I haven't been symptom-free yet, since I started having symptoms about two years ago. At the same time, I'm not debilitated. I'm annoyed, sure. But that's really the worst of it (knock wood, etc). So I thought I might have something unique to add.
Plus, MS is funny. No, really. Example 1: you know how it's a ball of laughs to stick tape on the bottom of a cat's feet and watch them freak out? It works with humans, too. And you don't even need tape, in my case. I don't know how many times today i've looked at the bottom of my feet, searching in vain for what I'd stepped on that was sticking to the bottom of my feet.
Nothing there. I do take it more calmly than most cats, though.
Ok, enough for now. I don't want to overdo it on my first time out...
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