Meditations on Leadership

I was thinking the other night about the nature of leadership, and of Machiavelli's musings on whether it is more important for a prince to be loved or feared.

As I recall (and I confess it's been a while), Machiavelli posited that to be feared was preferable. I don't remember his precise reason, though I'm absolutely certain it was Machiavellian (see what I did there?). Those who know me probably won't be surprised that I disagree with his assessment. It occurs to me, though, that to be loved, and to lead people who follow you because they love you, isn't really that much better. It's somewhat better, of course, by the mere fact that it feels better (generally speaking) to experience love than it does to experience fear; and thus it's a decent thing to do to inspire the better-feeling love.

But if you're a leader, and your followers follow you because they love you, it's still a manipulation. You're still using others to achieve your own aims, and that's not leadership, quite. Leadership at its best is simply providing structure, support, and direction to a group in service of achieving a commonly-held goal. In this understanding of leadership, to be the leader is not to be the best, or the most worthy, it's not even to be first among equals. It's merely serving one of the roles that any group needs if it is to cohere as a group and to achieve certain things. Not all groups even need leaders, and goals are certainly accomplished without them, though it tends to be messy.

To modernize Machiavelli a little bit, and contextualize his work to our own system of government, consider the President of the United States. Is President Obama the best American citizen? Is he the most worthy among us? Is he the most important? In a word, no. President Obama would just be a dude with ears that stick out if he didn't have a country to lead, if he didn't have us. It's his job to steer the country towards our common goal. What is that common goal? Give me a second, it's here somewhere...ah, yes:

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

To the extent that I am or may become a leader, I aspire to remember to be the kind of leader who remains aware that, at the heart of it, I am a servant.

An Update

It has been suggested to me that I should update my blog; who am I not to comply? First, I'm happy to report that the steroids did their thing and I'm mostly back to normal now. Both hands are still a little numb (the left more than the right), but that's the primary lingering effect. That and L'hermitte's sign is back.

L'hermitte's sign is a phenomenon where bending the neck (ie looking down) causes unusual sensations from the feet up. Mine actually extends up to my waist, but it's most prominent in my feet. For me it's a tingling feeling, I've also heard it described as akin to an electrical shock. L'hermitte's was actually the first sign (my neurologist once explained that it's not exactly a "symptom") that led me to my neurologist's office. I mentioned it to my GP, who at first told me it was because I wasn't active enough. I looked at her askance and explained that I worked out multiple times per week. She then suggested I make an appointment with a neurologist -- if it stopped happening, I could always cancel. It did not stop, I didn't cancel, and approximately a year, an MRI, a spinal tap, and a numb waist later, I was diagnosed with MS.

There are a few symptoms I experience that I would probably never known about if I didn't train in karate. I think this annoys my neurologist a little, in that they tend to be things she hasn't heard of from others and that don't show up on the standard neurology exam. One of the ongoing things is my poor balance. Not that that doesn't show up, but I think my balance seems more precarious to me than it seems to her because I regularly do things like stand on one leg while holding my other leg up and circling my knee and my ankle. Or try to do a crane stance. Or do a slow-motion front kick. None of these things tends to go well for me, but my balance tends to seem pretty close to normal in the doctor's office.

Also, my arms occasionally get stuck in the air. I've noticed it only a few times, but it's the oddest thing -- I'll be doing a round knifehand block (shuto mawashi uke), and I can't get my arms to descend. I don't get stuck there for more than a few seconds, but I actually have to concentrate to bring my arms down. Most recently, during the Really Bad Flare that incited me to start updating this blog again, I noticed my fingers would split when doing open-handed techniques. You know the Vulcan "live long and prosper" sign with the two middle fingers separated? I was doing that inadvertently, and would have to concentrate to bring my fingers together. Again, not anything I would have likely ever noticed if I didn't move my body in very specific ways that most people just don't ever have occasion to attempt.

My final bit of news is that I have accepted the offer to enter UT's School of Social Work in Fall 2010. It's still not 100% certain that I'll go -- I have to figure out my insurance situation (eg, whether I'll be able to maintain insurance), and my financial situation (walking away from a well-paid job in order to change careers completely is intimidating), but I wasn't going to be able to move forward on getting things in place without accepting, so I've accepted. Assuming finanical/insurance matters work themselves out, I'll be there in the fall. I still don't quite believe it.

State of Grace

I am what you might call an independent person. I am not at all comfortable asking for or accepting help from others. In fact, I think it's fair to say that this is one of my defining characteristics. For the most part, I like this about myself, but as is so often true, what is a strength is also a weakness. I have a tendency to isolate myself, especially when I'm feeling weak. I'm pretty self-aware of this aspect of my personality, both its bright side and its dark side; but I have never before had the opportunity to confront it in quite the same way as I have over the past few weeks.

The most excruciating, and rewarding, and humbling aspect of this most recent flare is how dependent I was, and how much help I've needed, and gotten. I lost the ability to drive and to use my hands for any fine motor skills. Next time you have a day to kill, try spending it unable to drive, unable to walk any real distance safely by yourself, and unable to use your hands as anything other than clubs. You'll find, as I did, that life gets boring quickly.

By Wednesday, I was ready to admit to myself that my situation was untenable. By Friday, I was ready to ask for help. Not quite brave enough to ask anyone specifically, I put out a general call on Facebook. Within minutes, multiple people had contacted me to offer whatever help I needed. I got rides to the doctor, food brought to me, rides to karate, errands run, cat food bought and made, litter boxes changed, recycling taken out -- the list goes on (and is still growing).

Intellectually, I know friendship is not a quid pro quo arrangement, but my usual m.o. when someone does me a favor is to look for an opportunity to pay them back as soon as possible. This experience precludes that -- there are too many people, and their generosity is too abundant, for me to be able to even the score. It feels like a state of grace -- of being flooded with support and love to such an extent that there is no choice but to give oneself up to it, to revel in it and marvel at it and accept it. To do anything less would be to cheapen the experience. It's hard, in a way that's not easy to express. There really is an aspect of letting go and accepting and trusting that does not come easily to me. It's an incredibly valuable lesson to learn, and it's not one I could have learned any other way.

I am forever grateful to have such a strong and caring support system. I stand humbled before the awesomeness of my friends.

What Has Happened

I'll start at the beginning, which in this case was about mid-February. February 11 to be exact. That was the day I decided I really needed to take a week off from work. At the time I was tired and feeling burnt out. In retrospect, I now realize it was probably the beginning of this flare. My boss suggested I take the last week in February off. In the intervening week, I continued to feel tired, and around midweek, I noticed that my feet were going numb. This has happened before, in October, so I didn't think much of it at first, but as the week progressed, the numbness moved up until it was all the way to my shoulders. my hands have been especially affected,not only numb but also stiff. this has made typing almost impossible. I can hunt and peck but I can't touch type and even hunting and pecking takes forever. Right now I'm using assistive technology and dictating this post. it's not exactly without labor either.

Since I was taking the week off anyway I decided to try to rest as much as possible and see if the symptoms cleared up by themselves. By Wednesday night it was clear that I would need to actually see my doctor. I made an appointment on Thursday for Friday morning. The doctor held a tuning fork-like implement up to various parts of my body to see if I could feel it vibrate. I couldn't, until she reached my shoulders.she agreed I should have a steroid treatment. this involves being hooked up to an IV for about an hour at a time and having solu-medrol pumped into one's veins for three days in a row. I had my first treatment on Friday and the second two Monday and Tuesday of this week.

The numbness has receded somewhat though it hasn't gone completely away in any area of my body. I can feel my legs and my torso more, but sensation is still not at all normal. My hands are still almost entirely numb and stiff. I can't type and don't feel safe to drive. I can heat things if I'm careful, but I don't trust myself with a knife. This makes food preparation challenging. I can walk all right, but I have to mind my steps, and I'm pretty slow. I haven't fallen, but it wouldn't surprise me if I did.

All in all, this is the most disabled I've been. Lots of things are challenging right now. I'm making it through, though. I went back to work today, though I didn't get much done. one never does on the first day back though.

So that's what's going on physically. In subsequent posts I'll talk about training and karate and how that's gone, and also what it's been like to need so much help and how grateful I am for the support I have. I've always been incredibly independent, which makes this especially hard -- and thus, especially educational. For now the steroid energy is wearing off and working a whole day has worn me out, so that's all for now.

one more thing -- not being able to type means that I can express myself as well as I would normally would in writing. Even though I'm not affected cognitively (at least I don't think so), it slows my thinking down and makes me less articulate. Yet another way this disease is hitting me where it hurts.

Helplessness, Humility, & Growth

I've just finished my first course of steroid infusions, because I've just encountered my first flare that rendered me truly diasbled and mostly helpless. It's been excruciating, heart-warming, and profound. One of the effects I'm still suffering is stiffness in my hands that makes typing very laborious, so this is going to be short, but -- watch this space.